Personally it doesn't really feel much like Halloween. I guess it's because I don't have children to take trick-or-treating, and I'm not surrounded by my friends who are in love with dressing up and planning our costumes. I've never been a big Halloween fan anyhow, so this doesn't bother me too much. Weather wise, it does feel like fall, and like I've mentioned before, fall is my absolute favorite! Today I walked to the park, spread my towel out onto the wet grass, and laid down beneath the sun. Red, orange, and yellow leaves crunched underneath me, children laughed while swinging and sliding on the playground, and dogs greeted me with their wet noses and wagging tails. I laid out for about an hour and read my book and chatted with my daddy. I watched a mom and dad try to teach their little girl the simplicity of swinging. Who knew it was so complicated in a young child's mind? "Honey, extend your legs, OK now bend them! Yep, extend, bend, extend, bend, good job!" Meanwhile the girl was getting it all mixed up until she finally just kicked her legs back and forth until the swing slowed down so much and she needed a push. It's so funny how something like that is so simple, but we wouldn't know how to do it without the guidance of our parents. I'm sure in the end we could've figured it out on our own, but how much easier is it with mom and dad reminding you to "bend and extend"?
I have incredible parents. Everyone knows that, and everyone would agree with how amazing they are. Recently I had an old friend pop back into my life. He unfortunately wasn't blessed with parents like most of us are. Things haven't been so easy for him in life and he's made some really awful decisions which have led him to be where none of us want to end up. Now, I've always been the one to not have much pity on people when they say they're screwed up from coming from a broken home. I've always believed, and still do to a point, that you're an adult, you have the choice to better your life, but lately I've had the harsh realization that I'm a very fortunate person, unlike a lot of people I know. I see that pattern in my friends who come from abusive homes, whore moms, or extreme poverty, and most of the irrational behavior doesn't start when they're an "adult" and can make their life changing decisions. It starts when they're in their teens and think it's OK to behave the way they do, until they finally get caught, which tends to be when they're an adult. My friend, not knowing how he's affected me, was a very close friend when I was younger. I haven't seen him in years but have heard plenty of the rumors of what he's been up to. While most of them were true, his story, like everyone else's, has a reason. Now I'm not saying he can put the blame game on his poverty-stricken mom, who sometimes didn't have enough food to feed him and never attended PTA meetings or soccer games, or the fact that he'll never know his dad, just the men who came in and out of his life so often as a kid and never cared if he was around or not. BUT, when I place my feet in his shoes and replace that lifestyle with the one I had growing up that involved being told I was loved every day, and having parents involved with my school and personal life, I can't help but think I wouldn't have turned out as good as I did. I hate that people will always judge him as a criminal without knowing his background. Without knowing how sweet of a boy he was when I was 14 and he was 16, and how he's the boy that I will always remember as someone who impacted my life for the better.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Is it Valentine's Day yet??
I've been reading a book by Jonathan Safran Foer called "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and today while reading in Starbuck's (yes, I'm so addicted to reading during the day I have to go to a quiet place to read, and that's no longer the park due to the glorious NW weather) I came across a quote that sounded so familiar and made me double-take.
"She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary."
Hm.
I so often feel as though I have a lot to think about people in certain relationships. I'm in a time in my life where things have been easier to accept, I now realize when something is just flat out a bad idea, and I've also started to learn how to just put it out there. No more beating around the bush. No more worrying myself, and my friends about certain situations. Nope. Just ask what you want to know, tell what you want to get out of your heart, and speak honestly. And if that's not accepted by a certain person, then oh well! You tried and you deserve better anyhow.
I'm a big believer in signs, and I feel like since I've moved here my energy has been outstanding, and my confidence is doing pretty well. But I'm starting to wonder if these signs and happenings are just distracting me. I had my heart set on one matter, and instead the universe tossed me around and made me look here, and think about this thing over there, and once my head gets back where I started, I have a whole new view, and it ain't so pretty. This has caused upset, followed by denial, followed by bitterness, and lastly, acceptance. I accept that I don't understand why this person is with that person, or why people fall out of love, or even why the divorce rate is so (sadly) high. It does get discouraging, but what I saw tonight will make this girl fall in love with anyone who tried.
I went to this beautiful place called the Kennedy School. It's about 17 blocks away from my house so after work I walked over and enjoyed a couple of Ruby's while jammin' out to the Pagan Jug Band. I felt right at home with the banjo, harmonica, guitar, stand up bass, and a washboard! This is what I needed in a time of frustration and loneliness. Music will lift my soul no matter how heavy. Then I start to notice this couple up front.. WOW. Talk about love. I have no idea who these people are, what they do, where they're from, or how much crap they've had to go through to get where they are today, but I looked up to them instantly. They had to be in their late 70s, fragile looking and sweet as can be, but they were tearing up the dance floor! They twirled and came back into eachother's arms and off she was again spinning off across the floor. A couple of songs later another elderly gentleman came to cut in, and the husband allowed him and took a seat. The lady twirled and danced with him until finally the band was taking a break. I couldn't take my eyes off of any of them. It was so genuine, so innocent, so fun.
It reminded me that no matter how frustrating things get, and no matter how many boys make you want to cry (or punch them), and no matter if you don't have any money until pay day, you'll make it through. Things will get better, and enjoy it and take your time, but always look forward to the future because one of these days you'll be twirling around on the dance floor on a Thursday night in your 70's listening to bluegrass and having men begging to dance with you.
"She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary."
Hm.
I so often feel as though I have a lot to think about people in certain relationships. I'm in a time in my life where things have been easier to accept, I now realize when something is just flat out a bad idea, and I've also started to learn how to just put it out there. No more beating around the bush. No more worrying myself, and my friends about certain situations. Nope. Just ask what you want to know, tell what you want to get out of your heart, and speak honestly. And if that's not accepted by a certain person, then oh well! You tried and you deserve better anyhow.
I'm a big believer in signs, and I feel like since I've moved here my energy has been outstanding, and my confidence is doing pretty well. But I'm starting to wonder if these signs and happenings are just distracting me. I had my heart set on one matter, and instead the universe tossed me around and made me look here, and think about this thing over there, and once my head gets back where I started, I have a whole new view, and it ain't so pretty. This has caused upset, followed by denial, followed by bitterness, and lastly, acceptance. I accept that I don't understand why this person is with that person, or why people fall out of love, or even why the divorce rate is so (sadly) high. It does get discouraging, but what I saw tonight will make this girl fall in love with anyone who tried.
I went to this beautiful place called the Kennedy School. It's about 17 blocks away from my house so after work I walked over and enjoyed a couple of Ruby's while jammin' out to the Pagan Jug Band. I felt right at home with the banjo, harmonica, guitar, stand up bass, and a washboard! This is what I needed in a time of frustration and loneliness. Music will lift my soul no matter how heavy. Then I start to notice this couple up front.. WOW. Talk about love. I have no idea who these people are, what they do, where they're from, or how much crap they've had to go through to get where they are today, but I looked up to them instantly. They had to be in their late 70s, fragile looking and sweet as can be, but they were tearing up the dance floor! They twirled and came back into eachother's arms and off she was again spinning off across the floor. A couple of songs later another elderly gentleman came to cut in, and the husband allowed him and took a seat. The lady twirled and danced with him until finally the band was taking a break. I couldn't take my eyes off of any of them. It was so genuine, so innocent, so fun.
It reminded me that no matter how frustrating things get, and no matter how many boys make you want to cry (or punch them), and no matter if you don't have any money until pay day, you'll make it through. Things will get better, and enjoy it and take your time, but always look forward to the future because one of these days you'll be twirling around on the dance floor on a Thursday night in your 70's listening to bluegrass and having men begging to dance with you.
Monday, October 25, 2010
It's good to be loved
As I looked up a definition for the word "love", I realized someone else can't tell you what love is. They can tell you how they would define it, or describe it, but to actually feel it, it's completely different person to person. I'm not talking about "let's get married" kind of love. I'm talking about having friends and family make you feel like a million bucks kind of love. I've done little to my room, but what I do have are pictures of friends, family, and happenings all over to remind me of who I am, and where I come from. I come from this incredible family. Strong, supportive parents who would do anything to protect me, and who have expressed how proud they are of me. This fabulous sister who I have always, and will always look up to and be proud of. She has extended a limb of our family tree to the perfect brother in-law a girl could ask for, and a nephew, well, I'm sure y'all don't even want to get me on the "how proud am I of that little guy?" kick. Although later in this post I will, of course. And even farther back I have this beautiful, yet pretty crazy, and extremely, not normal sized extended family. We all came from this beautiful, petite lady named Bernice, and a large and in charge man named Ralph. My whole family is proud to have Harrelson blood and couldn't imagine it being any smaller than the 130ish decendents of my grandma and grandpa. I realized that wasn't a normal size family when I was, sadly, around 20 years old. "Sooo, normally people know all of their cousins names??? That's just crazy talk!"
This morning the first picture I looked at on my side table was the one looking back at me. My daddy and I at my Chuck E Cheese birthday party when I was maybe 5? It's funny how even though those weren't the easiest times in our life, my parents still managed to have a party at what I'm sure wasn't the cheapest venue in town. That picture of my dad with his luscious, thick, black hair sitting with me and my thin, curly, blonde hair seems so familiar. I'm pretty sure he still looks at me the same way, in that "I'll do anything to make you happy, princess". The fact that my parents still somehow pull surprises just to make me smile lights up my life. I've been expecting a package from one of the best women on the Earth, Nancy. When the mailman drove past today I ran out to the box to see what he left for me. What I found almost knocked me over and filled my little eyeballs with moisture. My mama had sent an entire box of homemade butters and jams and jellies. When I was home, something I definitely took for granted was her apple butter. For the past two months I've been very careful not to over eat it, because it doesn't just grow on trees in my house anymore! But NOW I'm set for a few more months! Also, I was just grabbing Halloween cards to send out yesterday and as I grabbed one for my parents I was informing my roommate how my mama hates halloween, so why NOT send her a card?! Well, in this package, my fabulous mother made me a halloween card! Pretty sweet, huh?? Also in my mail box was ANOTHER surprise! From sweet, sweet Claire. Claire is a perfect example of "client who became a friend I couldn't imagine living without". She's so sweet, and gorgeous, and has a beautiful little family! She sent me some much appreciated goodies that lit up my day!
It's an amazing feeling when you feel loved. So often we (OK, mainly myself) puts so much emphasis on finding that one special partner in your life who loves and cherises you and you can't imagine life without. But when you've been touched like I have today, by multiple people, that search for that one person becomes a little less important. I never want to take these amazing people for granted.
Also, have I ever told y'all how much I love fall?? I love walking down the street and feeling the leaves crunch under my boots while drinking a hot chai latte. I love wearing scarves. I love grabbing a blanket while on the couch and snuggling up. I love watching fall/halloween movies, or seeing a little soccer team of zombies walk past me at the bus stop (10 days before halloween..). The rain isn't too bad either. It has made me a little lazy (hince not going hiking this evening), but what's wrong with taking it slow every now and then??
Lastly, how awesome is my nephew? I don't know if you have a nephew, but this little boy is incredible. His Aunt Bubbie sent him some goodies today, and sometimes I can't wait until he gets a little older and understands and appreciates what's happening! I defintely don't want him to grow up too fast, and I wish he would still be a cuddling little baby boy when I get home in a few months to see him, but as I send him things I think "does he even realize where this is coming from, or why he's receiving it??" Probably not, but oh well! He definitely deserves it. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers coming up soon. He's having some weight issues and concerns, so tomorrow he's getting some test done and weighing in. And also on November 2nd he's undergoing a special surgery, so he'll need lots of kissies to make him feel better! I know one day Ethan will discover that I, and hundreds of other people, have a love for him that is completely unexplainable, but undeniable.
This morning the first picture I looked at on my side table was the one looking back at me. My daddy and I at my Chuck E Cheese birthday party when I was maybe 5? It's funny how even though those weren't the easiest times in our life, my parents still managed to have a party at what I'm sure wasn't the cheapest venue in town. That picture of my dad with his luscious, thick, black hair sitting with me and my thin, curly, blonde hair seems so familiar. I'm pretty sure he still looks at me the same way, in that "I'll do anything to make you happy, princess". The fact that my parents still somehow pull surprises just to make me smile lights up my life. I've been expecting a package from one of the best women on the Earth, Nancy. When the mailman drove past today I ran out to the box to see what he left for me. What I found almost knocked me over and filled my little eyeballs with moisture. My mama had sent an entire box of homemade butters and jams and jellies. When I was home, something I definitely took for granted was her apple butter. For the past two months I've been very careful not to over eat it, because it doesn't just grow on trees in my house anymore! But NOW I'm set for a few more months! Also, I was just grabbing Halloween cards to send out yesterday and as I grabbed one for my parents I was informing my roommate how my mama hates halloween, so why NOT send her a card?! Well, in this package, my fabulous mother made me a halloween card! Pretty sweet, huh?? Also in my mail box was ANOTHER surprise! From sweet, sweet Claire. Claire is a perfect example of "client who became a friend I couldn't imagine living without". She's so sweet, and gorgeous, and has a beautiful little family! She sent me some much appreciated goodies that lit up my day!
It's an amazing feeling when you feel loved. So often we (OK, mainly myself) puts so much emphasis on finding that one special partner in your life who loves and cherises you and you can't imagine life without. But when you've been touched like I have today, by multiple people, that search for that one person becomes a little less important. I never want to take these amazing people for granted.
Also, have I ever told y'all how much I love fall?? I love walking down the street and feeling the leaves crunch under my boots while drinking a hot chai latte. I love wearing scarves. I love grabbing a blanket while on the couch and snuggling up. I love watching fall/halloween movies, or seeing a little soccer team of zombies walk past me at the bus stop (10 days before halloween..). The rain isn't too bad either. It has made me a little lazy (hince not going hiking this evening), but what's wrong with taking it slow every now and then??
Lastly, how awesome is my nephew? I don't know if you have a nephew, but this little boy is incredible. His Aunt Bubbie sent him some goodies today, and sometimes I can't wait until he gets a little older and understands and appreciates what's happening! I defintely don't want him to grow up too fast, and I wish he would still be a cuddling little baby boy when I get home in a few months to see him, but as I send him things I think "does he even realize where this is coming from, or why he's receiving it??" Probably not, but oh well! He definitely deserves it. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers coming up soon. He's having some weight issues and concerns, so tomorrow he's getting some test done and weighing in. And also on November 2nd he's undergoing a special surgery, so he'll need lots of kissies to make him feel better! I know one day Ethan will discover that I, and hundreds of other people, have a love for him that is completely unexplainable, but undeniable.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Ahhh...
I love music. You don't have to know me very well to know that I worship music. Depending on the day, or time of day, or situation, I carefully scan through my iTunes or iPod and pick out only the perfect and well-deserved songs for that moment. Tonight I'm listening to Joe Purdy. Megan told me to cut it out until the sad NW fall and winter are over, but he's perfect for the past 36 hours I've had!
Work has been wearing on me lately. Not physically, but mentally. I had such a fabulous clientele back home in Wilmington. It took me 3 years to get there, but I miss them terribly. Starting a new job is hard enough, but it gets a little trickier when you have to start all over with a new clientele and gain their trust. You're really starting from scratch. I've had some discouraging situations happen lately where I question whether or not I'm fit to deal with people who are so locked in on their looks and perfection. I'm the girl who doesn't own a hair brush, or a flat iron. And I haven't cut or colored my hair in months, but I still make do and I think it still looks OK. But dang, some people think it's the end of the world if they don't look like Jennifer Aniston or Drew Barrymore on their first visit. I understand hair is VERY important. Most of us have it, and it is one of the first things you notice on someone. But I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to let you walk around with your hair whacked out, or unfinished, so just trust me, and leave it to the professionals. You're in my chair because you don't know how to do this yourself.
(side note: DON'T USE BOX COLOR)
So after having some discouraging moments, and a walk to the bus stop filled with homeless people begging me for money after I worked hard all day for my own, I was a little sensitive last night when my roommate asked about my night. Poor boy. The bottom lip started quivering and off I run up the stairs, ashamed of my tears. Honestly half way through my cry fest 2010 I realized I wasn't really sure of why I was crying. I think it was just frustration finally escaping through my bright green eyeballs. After a nice hot shower I went back down to explain myself, and after fighting back more tears, all I had to say in response to "What's going on? What's wrong?" is "People are stupid."
How old am I again?
How do I not know this by now?
Maybe it was sleep deprivation from the night before, but I definitely caught up on it after ending a very frustrating and mentally challenging day at 9:30 pm. This morning I woke up bright and early, although still dark out at 7 am. Dabbed on a little extra under eye concealer, faced the day and hopped on the bus towards breakfast. By now the sun was shining, and yes Bob Marley, the weather WAS sweet! I had the most delicious chai latte while waiting for my breakfast-in-crime partner. We headed over to Pine State Biscuits, again, because it's the most amazing biscuits and gravy ever (and we all know biscuits and gravy heals the soul). Afterwards, we went to Powell's Bookstore. HUGE bookstore downtown, and throughout Portland, that has an amazing selection of books, new and used. I headed back to SE to be close to work once 3 pm came around and enjoyed my new book in a park a few blocks away. I felt the cool earth below me and the warm sun on my skin. I watched the blades of grass dance in harmony with the leaves on the tree as the wind blew. I heard laughter, mainly children's from the playground a few yards behind me. I watched a dad play football with his son and daughter. I wondered if she was as much of a daddy's girl as I am. I wondered if she's as spoiled as I have always been by my daddy and if one day, when she's all grown up, if all she craves after a bad night at work is her daddy's hug and him reminding her that everything will work out. And him being the only person you believe when you hear it. I also had nice long conversations with my sister and my mama, and chatted with a couple fabulous friends back home. After this kind of morning I could take on anything! Unfortunately the evening at work wasn't too productive, but safe. I'm just terrified of my job becoming a job, and no longer a passion, or a chance to express myself and my creativity.
I checked my mail tonight and found a postcard from SOUTHPORT! I miss my Nancy an as always, I am so thankful of her thoughtfulness. It was informing me to look for a package this weekend. The thought of it is rocking my world! It could be a box of Styrofoam peanuts and I wouldn't care. The thought that someone thought of me and took time to send me a little something something warms my heart and makes me smile.
Right now I've got Christmas lights illuminating my room, Joe Purdy singing "Sinkin' Low" quietly, and the howl of a train miles away. I have food in my belly and a job to go to tomorrow. I have friends and family who care for me and love me and miss me. And I miss them equally. I have plans with my great friends out here for the weekend, a kitty warming my feet and updated pictures to scan through of my nephew on Flickr.
Life is good.
Work has been wearing on me lately. Not physically, but mentally. I had such a fabulous clientele back home in Wilmington. It took me 3 years to get there, but I miss them terribly. Starting a new job is hard enough, but it gets a little trickier when you have to start all over with a new clientele and gain their trust. You're really starting from scratch. I've had some discouraging situations happen lately where I question whether or not I'm fit to deal with people who are so locked in on their looks and perfection. I'm the girl who doesn't own a hair brush, or a flat iron. And I haven't cut or colored my hair in months, but I still make do and I think it still looks OK. But dang, some people think it's the end of the world if they don't look like Jennifer Aniston or Drew Barrymore on their first visit. I understand hair is VERY important. Most of us have it, and it is one of the first things you notice on someone. But I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to let you walk around with your hair whacked out, or unfinished, so just trust me, and leave it to the professionals. You're in my chair because you don't know how to do this yourself.
(side note: DON'T USE BOX COLOR)
So after having some discouraging moments, and a walk to the bus stop filled with homeless people begging me for money after I worked hard all day for my own, I was a little sensitive last night when my roommate asked about my night. Poor boy. The bottom lip started quivering and off I run up the stairs, ashamed of my tears. Honestly half way through my cry fest 2010 I realized I wasn't really sure of why I was crying. I think it was just frustration finally escaping through my bright green eyeballs. After a nice hot shower I went back down to explain myself, and after fighting back more tears, all I had to say in response to "What's going on? What's wrong?" is "People are stupid."
How old am I again?
How do I not know this by now?
Maybe it was sleep deprivation from the night before, but I definitely caught up on it after ending a very frustrating and mentally challenging day at 9:30 pm. This morning I woke up bright and early, although still dark out at 7 am. Dabbed on a little extra under eye concealer, faced the day and hopped on the bus towards breakfast. By now the sun was shining, and yes Bob Marley, the weather WAS sweet! I had the most delicious chai latte while waiting for my breakfast-in-crime partner. We headed over to Pine State Biscuits, again, because it's the most amazing biscuits and gravy ever (and we all know biscuits and gravy heals the soul). Afterwards, we went to Powell's Bookstore. HUGE bookstore downtown, and throughout Portland, that has an amazing selection of books, new and used. I headed back to SE to be close to work once 3 pm came around and enjoyed my new book in a park a few blocks away. I felt the cool earth below me and the warm sun on my skin. I watched the blades of grass dance in harmony with the leaves on the tree as the wind blew. I heard laughter, mainly children's from the playground a few yards behind me. I watched a dad play football with his son and daughter. I wondered if she was as much of a daddy's girl as I am. I wondered if she's as spoiled as I have always been by my daddy and if one day, when she's all grown up, if all she craves after a bad night at work is her daddy's hug and him reminding her that everything will work out. And him being the only person you believe when you hear it. I also had nice long conversations with my sister and my mama, and chatted with a couple fabulous friends back home. After this kind of morning I could take on anything! Unfortunately the evening at work wasn't too productive, but safe. I'm just terrified of my job becoming a job, and no longer a passion, or a chance to express myself and my creativity.
I checked my mail tonight and found a postcard from SOUTHPORT! I miss my Nancy an as always, I am so thankful of her thoughtfulness. It was informing me to look for a package this weekend. The thought of it is rocking my world! It could be a box of Styrofoam peanuts and I wouldn't care. The thought that someone thought of me and took time to send me a little something something warms my heart and makes me smile.
Right now I've got Christmas lights illuminating my room, Joe Purdy singing "Sinkin' Low" quietly, and the howl of a train miles away. I have food in my belly and a job to go to tomorrow. I have friends and family who care for me and love me and miss me. And I miss them equally. I have plans with my great friends out here for the weekend, a kitty warming my feet and updated pictures to scan through of my nephew on Flickr.
Life is good.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Things are greeeaaat!
So I realized I haven't updated lately so here we go. I thought a rainy Sunday would be the perfect opportunity!
Things are going VERY well here in Portland! Yes, I still miss home like mad, and it did start raining, and I am struggling financially, but what's new?? My new way of living is to just keep breathing, living, and loving. I can't help but think of how much of a whiny baby I am at times. I'm upset here and there because I can't afford a new bed, or I can't get that new iPod I want. Then, after a few hours of pouting and thinking it's so hard, I think of how ridiculous I'm being. I have a nice warm roof over my head protecting me from this beautiful, fragrant rain. I have a bed with sheets and pillows and blankets and a kitty foot warmer to keep me somewhat comfortable at night, but most of all protected. I have a job that pays me money to pay my bills, afford the bus rides, and put food in my tummy. And it doesn't hurt I actually enjoy my job and (most of) my clients. I'm doing what I love to do and I have the freedom to choose to do what it is I want to do and where I want to do it. I hear so many people complaining about this aspect of their job, or that person, so quit. If life is so much better away from a certain job, or relationship, or even place of living, get OUT! It won't only make your life better, but the people around you will enjoy your company much better. Oh, and I have a ton of fabulous people in my life, more about that later...
Last week my best friend of 21 years came in to town. Sure, so we were 3 when we met and probably didn't realize we were friends back then, but how couldn't we?? She's 2 days older than me and although we are very similar and have a lot of Aquarius tendencies, we still have enough differences to make us love each other even more! Megan was only here from Monday evening until Wednesday but we definitely had a good time and jammed it pack with fun! She helped me discover a lot of places and things around Portland that I've never seen. We spent a lot of time shopping and eating, and I don't know what could've been better.
Just as my last visitor, the anticipation of my next visitor is driving me insane. She just booked her flight today, but on December 11 (2 months from tomorrow) my SISTER will be in town!!! There's a bond between sisters that's unexplainable. Although from one of her past blogs where she talked about how we didn't always get along so well, I honestly don't remember any of that crazy talk! Growing up I wanted to be just like my sister, and still do. She's the first one I call with any drama and gossip. She's the first one I call when I need to hear a friendly voice to make me feel less homesick. She's the first one I call when I need to be uplifted. She's my everything and I feel so sad for people who don't have sisters, or even better, a sister like mine. Her son probably bonded us even closer if that was possible, and I have SO much respect for her. I love her with all my heart and I always know I can show her 100% of my true self. Even the not so pretty side... So yep, she'll be here from Saturday to Tuesday a couple of weeks before Christmas! This will definitely make Christmas away from home a tad easier. A girl couldn't be any more excited!
I've learned a lot of things about myself, which is making it easier to correct the things I don't care for. Instead of ripping my heart wide open for all to see on the computer screen, I'll keep these things to myself and my dearest friends, but I am very proud that I've learned how to cope with certain problems and feelings and desires. There's a whole lot that needs fixing, but time will take care of most problems and concerns.
On a sour note, I think I've finally realized how I truly feel on relationships. And I'm not 100% positive this is how I really feel, but it is evolving and changing me for certain. I've pretty much always been in a relationship since I was 14. When I fall, I fall hard. I have a big heart, yes we all know this, but most of the time it's wasted on the wrong person, for the wrong reasons. I've always said my one biggest fear is loneliness. It's true, and it still somewhat is, but I've learned what loneliness really is. The worst type of loneliness is being with someone, or giving your all to someone, who doesn't return the passion. I use to think it was the saddest and lamest thing in the world to sit home alone on a Friday or Saturday night. Or to not be able to just get on the phone and have someone at your door instantly. But man was I wrong. As I watch other couples, or just people in general, it's like I get a completely different view of myself. I'm that girl that's giving giving giving to the wrong person who doesn't appreciate me at all, while ignoring someone, or something, who's trying to give me exactly what I need and expect in return. This could be in a romantic relationship, or friendships, or even a job aspect. I unfortunately have suffered in all three. I think the saddest part is that even after I realize what I'm doing wrong, I still hang in there, for the fact of wanting to be wanted by who I want to be wanted by. Last night, on a Saturday night, I got off work from an mind-draining day, slipped into my jammies, ate pizza, watched football with my roommate, and snuck off to bed around 10 pm. Any other night this would've bothered me, I would've probably whined to my friends and expected a pity party, but I told myself to get over it, there's nothing wrong with you and get some dang sleep finally! It felt amazing to get a full night's sleep, only to wake up in time for breakfast with a new friend! At a southern restaurant! With sweet tea and biscuits! If you haven't noticed, Portland has a lot of amazing food. We like to eat, a lot. Not in an indulging kind of way, but an appreciating kind of way.
A wonderful friend back home informed me when I was moving across the country that her brother lives in Portland. I had no idea and the thought kind of blew my mind! After two months of living here and realizing I'm finally settled in, I e-mailed him to ask him to breakfast. This morning we met at the fabulous NC native owned restaurant to enjoy delicious biscuits and refreshing sweet tea. (Still not the same as mama's, but close.) I can't even explain how great it was to meet someone who seems so familiar and like we've known each other our whole lives. We're from the same town and both lived there all our lives. Just a friendly reminder of how small this place we call Earth really is. Great conversations and delicious food is the combination of a perfect Sunday morning.
Today Kelly and I are headed around town to spend time together. Speaking of people I love, this girl, yep, she's my rock! I've learned to just take her advice. No matter how brutally honest is is and how much it sucks following it, she always knows what's best. How? Because 3 years ago I still recall a situation where if I would've followed her advice, I would've saved a lot of heartache and anger. I love spending time with her, and all my other friends out here as well, but we just have that bond and understanding that every pair of girls need!
So there it is! I'm happy, things are going grrreeeat (in my Tony the Tiger voice), and I can't wait to see everyone in March! Only 5 more months, y'all!
Things are going VERY well here in Portland! Yes, I still miss home like mad, and it did start raining, and I am struggling financially, but what's new?? My new way of living is to just keep breathing, living, and loving. I can't help but think of how much of a whiny baby I am at times. I'm upset here and there because I can't afford a new bed, or I can't get that new iPod I want. Then, after a few hours of pouting and thinking it's so hard, I think of how ridiculous I'm being. I have a nice warm roof over my head protecting me from this beautiful, fragrant rain. I have a bed with sheets and pillows and blankets and a kitty foot warmer to keep me somewhat comfortable at night, but most of all protected. I have a job that pays me money to pay my bills, afford the bus rides, and put food in my tummy. And it doesn't hurt I actually enjoy my job and (most of) my clients. I'm doing what I love to do and I have the freedom to choose to do what it is I want to do and where I want to do it. I hear so many people complaining about this aspect of their job, or that person, so quit. If life is so much better away from a certain job, or relationship, or even place of living, get OUT! It won't only make your life better, but the people around you will enjoy your company much better. Oh, and I have a ton of fabulous people in my life, more about that later...
Last week my best friend of 21 years came in to town. Sure, so we were 3 when we met and probably didn't realize we were friends back then, but how couldn't we?? She's 2 days older than me and although we are very similar and have a lot of Aquarius tendencies, we still have enough differences to make us love each other even more! Megan was only here from Monday evening until Wednesday but we definitely had a good time and jammed it pack with fun! She helped me discover a lot of places and things around Portland that I've never seen. We spent a lot of time shopping and eating, and I don't know what could've been better.
Just as my last visitor, the anticipation of my next visitor is driving me insane. She just booked her flight today, but on December 11 (2 months from tomorrow) my SISTER will be in town!!! There's a bond between sisters that's unexplainable. Although from one of her past blogs where she talked about how we didn't always get along so well, I honestly don't remember any of that crazy talk! Growing up I wanted to be just like my sister, and still do. She's the first one I call with any drama and gossip. She's the first one I call when I need to hear a friendly voice to make me feel less homesick. She's the first one I call when I need to be uplifted. She's my everything and I feel so sad for people who don't have sisters, or even better, a sister like mine. Her son probably bonded us even closer if that was possible, and I have SO much respect for her. I love her with all my heart and I always know I can show her 100% of my true self. Even the not so pretty side... So yep, she'll be here from Saturday to Tuesday a couple of weeks before Christmas! This will definitely make Christmas away from home a tad easier. A girl couldn't be any more excited!
I've learned a lot of things about myself, which is making it easier to correct the things I don't care for. Instead of ripping my heart wide open for all to see on the computer screen, I'll keep these things to myself and my dearest friends, but I am very proud that I've learned how to cope with certain problems and feelings and desires. There's a whole lot that needs fixing, but time will take care of most problems and concerns.
On a sour note, I think I've finally realized how I truly feel on relationships. And I'm not 100% positive this is how I really feel, but it is evolving and changing me for certain. I've pretty much always been in a relationship since I was 14. When I fall, I fall hard. I have a big heart, yes we all know this, but most of the time it's wasted on the wrong person, for the wrong reasons. I've always said my one biggest fear is loneliness. It's true, and it still somewhat is, but I've learned what loneliness really is. The worst type of loneliness is being with someone, or giving your all to someone, who doesn't return the passion. I use to think it was the saddest and lamest thing in the world to sit home alone on a Friday or Saturday night. Or to not be able to just get on the phone and have someone at your door instantly. But man was I wrong. As I watch other couples, or just people in general, it's like I get a completely different view of myself. I'm that girl that's giving giving giving to the wrong person who doesn't appreciate me at all, while ignoring someone, or something, who's trying to give me exactly what I need and expect in return. This could be in a romantic relationship, or friendships, or even a job aspect. I unfortunately have suffered in all three. I think the saddest part is that even after I realize what I'm doing wrong, I still hang in there, for the fact of wanting to be wanted by who I want to be wanted by. Last night, on a Saturday night, I got off work from an mind-draining day, slipped into my jammies, ate pizza, watched football with my roommate, and snuck off to bed around 10 pm. Any other night this would've bothered me, I would've probably whined to my friends and expected a pity party, but I told myself to get over it, there's nothing wrong with you and get some dang sleep finally! It felt amazing to get a full night's sleep, only to wake up in time for breakfast with a new friend! At a southern restaurant! With sweet tea and biscuits! If you haven't noticed, Portland has a lot of amazing food. We like to eat, a lot. Not in an indulging kind of way, but an appreciating kind of way.
A wonderful friend back home informed me when I was moving across the country that her brother lives in Portland. I had no idea and the thought kind of blew my mind! After two months of living here and realizing I'm finally settled in, I e-mailed him to ask him to breakfast. This morning we met at the fabulous NC native owned restaurant to enjoy delicious biscuits and refreshing sweet tea. (Still not the same as mama's, but close.) I can't even explain how great it was to meet someone who seems so familiar and like we've known each other our whole lives. We're from the same town and both lived there all our lives. Just a friendly reminder of how small this place we call Earth really is. Great conversations and delicious food is the combination of a perfect Sunday morning.
Today Kelly and I are headed around town to spend time together. Speaking of people I love, this girl, yep, she's my rock! I've learned to just take her advice. No matter how brutally honest is is and how much it sucks following it, she always knows what's best. How? Because 3 years ago I still recall a situation where if I would've followed her advice, I would've saved a lot of heartache and anger. I love spending time with her, and all my other friends out here as well, but we just have that bond and understanding that every pair of girls need!
So there it is! I'm happy, things are going grrreeeat (in my Tony the Tiger voice), and I can't wait to see everyone in March! Only 5 more months, y'all!
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