Help..

..I'm drowning.

I'm way too excited with thinking (again) that I know which way I want my life to go. I'm thinking down that education road, getting back into school, and doing something that hits close to home. Just googlin' around on the internet tonight and getting ideas of what I'm in for causes me to become scared, nervous, and inpatient (duh, I'm my father's daughter). I want to go NOW and talk to someone about where to start my journey.

Where is my LIFE guidance counselor.

When does "just let your heart lead you there" end, and real, solid advice begin?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE hair, I LOVE Aveda, and I LOVE what I do. But at times I want to tell people to get over the way they look on the outside and give yourself a break. I want to help people who need to be help, not who's ego needs to be stroked. I love my (NC) clients and love that I still get e-mails, postcards, and packages from my old clients who still adore me, miles and miles away. They make me feel like a million dollars. But lately I've been surrounded by people who, strangely only get haircuts once a year, but freak out if a hair is out of place. I don't get it. It's just going to get wet in .23 seconds anyhow... It's exhausting, and honestly I don't feel like my heart is in it out here the way it was in the south. I get too worried when a client "loves" her hair and talks about how fabulous it is, because more than likely she's going to get home, obsess in a mirror and handheld, and after fingering her hair until it falls out, find something that's not perfect (maybe her emotional stability?) and complain. It shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't be losing my confidence. I think I'm a pretty talented stylist...

The worst, and hardest part of my life was from before I could remember, until all through elementary school. Although then I didn't think it was THAT awful at times, it was hard. I had an extreme speech impediment. I couldn't say my R's and no one understood a thing that came out of my mouth. It was so frustrating and hurtful when I was mocked by friends and family. I still cry to this day and get extremely hurt if someone makes fun of the way I say a word, whether it's because of my accent or because I did say it wrong. I don't understand why people think it's so funny to make fun of someone with a speech impediment. I guess it all goes back to stroking people's egos and feeling like they're better than you, even if just for that moment.

I want to protect every child who doesn't speak properly, and I want to slap parents who's children should have been through therapy to have their speech corrected, but were too lazy or thought it wasn't that big of a deal, so now their child will have to go through that mockery for their entire life. Since I can't fly around like a superhero and protect those children and slap those parents, maybe, just maybe, I'll become a Speech Pathologist. I'll do my part in correcting their speech while giving them the confidence they'll need to not be so sensitive WHEN, not if, family and friends continue to joke and make fun of. I never want to imagine who I would be today without the help of my therapist. I remember going from a shy, quiet child, to, well, who I am now! If I remembered her name and had her address I would send her flowers today. I want to be that person to someone. I want a child to run home to their parents and say "Guess what Miss Davis helped me with today?!" and I want to see the progress. The progress in something that matters more than growing out old highlights or repairing damaged ends.