There's this tree..

There's this tree that has strong deep roots. The older the tree gets, the deeper the roots get. They become strong. Big. Perfect for any foundation. Of course there's a trunk that grows up from these roots. It's been weathered, beaten, abused, asked for forgiveness, abused a little more, taken for granted. We always just assume this trunk, like the roots, will continue to grow as long as we never hurt it too much. It will grow wide, and it will grow tall. There are limbs that grow from it. Some grow up, some grow down, and some grow out. They consist of buds and leaves, and sometimes nothing at all. Just mini limbs from the limbs. And mini limbs from those mini limbs. We depend on this tree to make us feel safe. To protect us. To shade us. We get excited when the limbs go from death to color and shapes. We get overwhelmed when the sun causes them to change into different colors and we kick them when they fall to the ground. Some of us may even take pictures of them. But all of us, even if just a little bit of each of us, get sad when we see it bare again.

Sometimes when we leave the tree we realize how much we miss it. How it's strength made us feel so protected. How the beauty, or the emptiness, gave us feelings. How proud we are of how far it's come out of the earth. How simple things like rain, sunshine, and dirt have made it become who it is today. How although there may be tons of them, there's only one.

There's only one of us.

Then one day this tree will reach it's limbs a few thousand miles away and ask for you to come home. It'll say "Hey, look how strong I am. Look how much I miss you. Look how I'm not there. Look how comfortable you were when you were with me. Sure, you've learned a lot about yourself, but it's time. It's time to grow, and to move on, and to explore. And to get rid of your unhappiness."

It's time for this tree to grow a couple more branches, appreciate my strong roots a little more, share what I've learned, about life and about myself. To reach my limbs around people who love me. Who love my leaves. Who don't care when I'm leaf-less.

BLAH!

Have you ever just felt BLAH? Not angry, only a little sad, only a little more happy, not feeling creative or encouraging, maybe a little more curious than one should be, asking a little more questions than usual.

I just read a book called Mutant Message by Morgan Marlo. I have never read a book this quickly and was completely consumed the moment I laid my eyes on the back cover. I won't ruin it for you, nor will I go into the details, because frankly I'm exhausted from how excited I get from talking about it, but you should definitely check it out. It has made me much more aware of how negative we can be. Suck it up, it's not that bad. And it shows us how everything truly happens for a reason, even it involves hundreds of flies to cover your body for what seems as an eternity...

Right now I'm in the middle of Starbucks people watching and waiting to clock in at my job...

I just read my sister's blog and my heart goes out to, as I asked her yesterday, "FUNKY HEART??" 's family, friends, readers, and everyone he's touched. God knows he's touched SO many families. I've never met him, but felt instant grief when I found out this 44-year old congenital heart defect survivor has passed away. Rest peacefully Steve Catoe.

I moved out of my boy house in NE Portland on Sunday to a gal-friendly duplex much closer to my job with a coworker and her friend. It's very comfortable, clean, and I have a bed! No more pulled out lumpy futon for me. I woke up feeling refreshed and renewed, like anyone who sleeps as much as I do should feel! I rode with Shawna to work today, even though I didn't need to come into work until 2 hours later. I decided to spend my time catching up on the internet (oh yeah, my new place is internet-free), browsing through the book store, and sippin' on some much needed coffee. While I was in Powell's, our local mega used bookstore around Portland, I was looking to purchase Mutant Message to share with my mama. The little computer sent me to the Metaphysics section of the store and I was so distracted I completely forgot what I was looking for! I never could find it, but my eye was fixated on a man named Edgar Cayce. He has a series of books that seem unreal. This is the first print of Channeling Your Higher Self. Like I said, this store is a used book store so this book has been loved on, noted in, and dog-eared, which I like. I feel like I can already feel what the person who read this before me was looking for. Am I looking for the same thing? Do I know the person who read this book before me? Did he live in NC? Is he an Aquarius? Who knows...but wouldn't that be fun?! I'm learning it's a craaaazy world we live it.

People go out of our lives as quickly as people come back in. I've recently had some pals pop back into my life and I wonder how I lived the past 6 years without 'em. Of course I did, and maybe I wouldn't have known the difference if they didn't come back in, but I'm just glad they did. It's just so odd to me how things line up. Heartache hurts, but soon it'll all be forgotten about.

Sometimes I think my major personal fault is being too passionate. Oh, and wasting love on the wrong things/people. Maybe I'm not wasting it, maybe it's just not apparent of why I'm doing it, just yet.



welcome.



Day O' Rest

Today is my first day off in 10 days. I decided I would silence the phone, get packed into my bed comfortably, and sleep in as long as possible. Apparently I forgot to silence my phone. 9 e-mails, 2 calls, 6 text messages, 2 facebook notifications, and 2 Blackberry instant messages later, I was awake. But sleeping in until 10:30 isn't too shabby! Why today was everyone contacting me?? Oh, right, it's a holiday.

Holidays definitely do NOT seem the same without your family and traditions. I don't want a pity party, this was totally my doing. (And I definitely had TONS of invites from friends out here to come over, but I think resting and icing my arm is a somewhat high priority on my list.) I decided I would move 3,000 miles away from the norm and see how things go. Honestly, there were a couple years between my grandma passing away and my nephew being born where I could've cared less about Thanksgiving. The holiday who's date was formed by our brilliant president at the time saying "Hey, let's have it on the 4th Thursday of every November to boost our economy." Seriously??

I would like to think I remind people I love and myself of what I'm thankful for, more than one day a year. Because I truly am. And I'm not just talking about "friends and family and my job." No. I think it's a given that everyone is thankful for their friends and families and jobs during this economy. But also, I'm thankful that I don't have to walk miles and miles just to access clean water to drink or wash my clothes in. I'm thankful for a therapist who helped me overcome my speech impediment. I'm thankful every-freakin-single day for doctors and surgeons and technology when I look at my nephew. I'm thankful for hangers to hang my clothes on, and for my iron when I decide I dont feel like hanging them. I'm thankful for the 4 blankets on me right now, two of which my mom made with her own two strong, beautiful hands, to keep me warm. I'm thankful for music. Music heals the soul, inspires, causes controversy.

So what does one do for this holiday when normal traditions are unavailable? Let's just say I hope there's not a hidden camera in this house. ALL of my roommates are away for atleast the evening. In the 4 hours I've been awake I've eaten someone's left over Domino's pizza and breadsticks. Drank an entire french press of coffee, in my favorite mug from my sister, with creamer and sugar from a canister labeled as "crack". Watched 7 episodes of King of the Hill, Season 8. Iced my arm, 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off. Drank a diet coke. Received phone calls from all kinds of area codes with wrong numbers (guess they decide to call "people the love" only one time a year. I've had this number since March) Built a fort of blankets on the couch, less than 3 feet from my space heater. Peed in the downstairs bathroom. Watched a LOT of Yo Gabba Gabba on YouTube. (Who knew you could learn how to beat box with Biz Markie on YGG?? Ethan will for sure be getting some DVDs soon.) Did a couple loads of laundry. Sent a few "I swear I'm OK" text messages. KIND OF Skyped with my sister and Ethan at her in-laws. We had a little connection problem... Watched my bag of ice have a melt down.

I feel good! I think how much everyone built up how hard this would be caused a lot of unnecessary anxiety and concern, but dang it, I'm enjoying my day off!

Stupid Trees

I'm as guilty as the next person for obsessing over them, but I'm starting to NOT understand what's the big deal about the leaves changing. Maybe I'm not as much as a fall person as I thought I was, or maybe it's just the gloomy NW weather getting to me, but those beautiful orange, red, and yellow trees just a few weeks ago are now bare. Already. That tree at my bus stop, the one that would prevent the rain from getting me soaking wet, is now leaf-less and offers me no protection. The trees remind me of death, which reminds me of people who have died and it doesn't make me feel good, at all.

I'm bummed because I realize when I come home I won't run into Michael. Ever again. I will visit him and pay my respects, but I'll never get to give him a big warm hug or hear his jolly laugh. And what sucks even more is that I took all that for granted. We lived on the same coast as eachother for years and I took him and the fact that he would be there forever, for granted. In fact, every day I'm learning of more people and things I took for granted. Just tonight I chatted it up with a friend who I use to hide-and-seek with when we were just snot faced nerds in overalls and keds. I haven't hung out with him in years, but we were so close to eachother physically. It took me 3,000 miles, a few months, and a lot of money to show me that what I was looking for-friendship, love, good eats, fun times-was right there tapping me on the shoulder the whole time. 3,000 miles. That's a long ways away.

Things don't last forever. Leaves or people.

Enjoy them while they're there. I'll be looking forward to spring when those pretty little leaves pop back up. Too bad people aren't leaves.

Help..

..I'm drowning.

I'm way too excited with thinking (again) that I know which way I want my life to go. I'm thinking down that education road, getting back into school, and doing something that hits close to home. Just googlin' around on the internet tonight and getting ideas of what I'm in for causes me to become scared, nervous, and inpatient (duh, I'm my father's daughter). I want to go NOW and talk to someone about where to start my journey.

Where is my LIFE guidance counselor.

When does "just let your heart lead you there" end, and real, solid advice begin?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE hair, I LOVE Aveda, and I LOVE what I do. But at times I want to tell people to get over the way they look on the outside and give yourself a break. I want to help people who need to be help, not who's ego needs to be stroked. I love my (NC) clients and love that I still get e-mails, postcards, and packages from my old clients who still adore me, miles and miles away. They make me feel like a million dollars. But lately I've been surrounded by people who, strangely only get haircuts once a year, but freak out if a hair is out of place. I don't get it. It's just going to get wet in .23 seconds anyhow... It's exhausting, and honestly I don't feel like my heart is in it out here the way it was in the south. I get too worried when a client "loves" her hair and talks about how fabulous it is, because more than likely she's going to get home, obsess in a mirror and handheld, and after fingering her hair until it falls out, find something that's not perfect (maybe her emotional stability?) and complain. It shouldn't be that way. I shouldn't be losing my confidence. I think I'm a pretty talented stylist...

The worst, and hardest part of my life was from before I could remember, until all through elementary school. Although then I didn't think it was THAT awful at times, it was hard. I had an extreme speech impediment. I couldn't say my R's and no one understood a thing that came out of my mouth. It was so frustrating and hurtful when I was mocked by friends and family. I still cry to this day and get extremely hurt if someone makes fun of the way I say a word, whether it's because of my accent or because I did say it wrong. I don't understand why people think it's so funny to make fun of someone with a speech impediment. I guess it all goes back to stroking people's egos and feeling like they're better than you, even if just for that moment.

I want to protect every child who doesn't speak properly, and I want to slap parents who's children should have been through therapy to have their speech corrected, but were too lazy or thought it wasn't that big of a deal, so now their child will have to go through that mockery for their entire life. Since I can't fly around like a superhero and protect those children and slap those parents, maybe, just maybe, I'll become a Speech Pathologist. I'll do my part in correcting their speech while giving them the confidence they'll need to not be so sensitive WHEN, not if, family and friends continue to joke and make fun of. I never want to imagine who I would be today without the help of my therapist. I remember going from a shy, quiet child, to, well, who I am now! If I remembered her name and had her address I would send her flowers today. I want to be that person to someone. I want a child to run home to their parents and say "Guess what Miss Davis helped me with today?!" and I want to see the progress. The progress in something that matters more than growing out old highlights or repairing damaged ends.

What's really underneath it all?

Today I was walking down Hawthorne on my way to work. It was cold and before 9 am. I wasn't the happiest camper on the street. As I was walking I looked down to see grass in the cracks of the sidewalk. I started seeing this more often as I was looking for it. I couldn't help but think "If we ripped up the roads and sidewalks, would there be beautiful lush grass hiding under there?" Of course the honest side of me thought "Um, no. You know better. They ruined everything before they laid the asphalt or concrete." But I couldn't help but think of the multiple occasions I've witnessed ripping  up dingy, ugly carpet from the 70s, only to find beautiful, original hard wood floors.

If I ripped off the negative, ugly layer of me, what would I find? What would glow from my bottom layer, my inner-ness. The layer which has witnessed a little more of my life and knows how serious things are, and how serious things aren't, and how instead of getting upset, just finding the positive in it and letting it go.

Yesterday I, along with quite a few other Dosha employees, and AIP students, had a speaker who is Aveda. She lives and breathes it, and honestly it wouldn't hurt if there were a few of us a little more like her. She asked us to channel our inner beauty, and find the true beauty in others. Not just the outer layer which my job is obsessed with. When asked "What could make the world a better place?" I searched high and low for my answer. I could answer all the other ones-
Q "Who's the most beautiful person I know?" A "Duh, My mom"
Q "I feel beautiful when..." A "I'm with the people I love"
Q "Beauty is..." A "Raw"
Q "What could make the world a better place?"

hm. Well now I know my answer after sitting on that question for a little over 24 hours.
A "If we would all peel away the rough, negative layer of ourselves to see our own inner beauty, it would be a lot easier for others to see it, and for you to see theirs."
It's as simple as that.

Or is it?

Right now I'm dealing with handling being a hypocrite. All day I'm irritated with people who are so unhappy in their lives. So I tell them, CHANGE IT! If it's that awful, change it, or stop complaining about it. Well I've realized, with the help of friends, that I am being that girl.
So here's to change. It's much smaller than some other changes I've made in the past few months, but still scary. In the end I'm hoping for happiness, more estrogen, and less football, and possibly peeling back one of those layers to bring myself, and everyone else, closer to viewing my inner beauty.

You know you're a nerd when...

You look forward to your lunchbreak, walk home a little quicker, and take an extremely fast shower to have more time to enjoy your new book. That's right, this gal got a Multnomah Library card! They have this great idea (maybe all libraries have this, I haven't stepped foot into one in over 10 years..) to let you go on-line, search books you would like to read, and put it on a hold list. Once they get it at that branch, they'll e-mail you and tell you to come pick it up. Well I didn't know if you put 6 books on hold, there's a possibility that you'll get an e-mail with 4 titles of books that are on hold for you until Monday. So now I have 4 books to read by December 1.

I've never been a big reader until I moved to Portland. Wait, let me rephrase that. I use to LOVE walking to the library from the house my sister and I grew up in. It was (if Leland had blocks) about 2 blocks away. My mom and I would walk over and bring back bags and bags of books and I would have a reading marathon. Also, there was the book-it club. This girl loved Pizza Hut, and after reading so many books you got so many stars, which then turned into FREE PERSONAL PAN PIZZAS!!! Reading=Eating. Love it. But once I grew up, and maybe it had something to do with moving out of that house when I was 12, I stopped enjoying reading so much, and started a love for other things, like boys.

Well, I'm back to my good ol' single lifestyle- nerd glasses, stack of books, Red Baron's pizza crust next to my pillow case, Kool-Aid mustache. I'm feeling PRETTY good about life!

So what 4 special books am I obsessed with until we have to go our separate ways before December?

Eating Animals Jonathan Safran Foer
"Brilliantly synthesizing philosophy, literature, science, memoir, and his own detective work, Eating Animals explores the many stories we use to justify our eating habits-folklore and pop culture, family traditions, and national myth, apparent facts and inherent fictions-and how such tales can lull us into a brutal forgetting"

Three Cups of Tea Greg Mortenson & David Oliver Relin
"One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a time."

Mutant Message Down Under Marlo Morgan
"Mutant Message recounts a unique, timely, and powerful life-enhancing message for all humankind: It is not too late to save our world from destruction if we realize that all living things-be they plants, animals, or human beings-are part of the same universal oneness."

A Piece of Cake Cupcake Brown
"Orphaned by the death of her mother and left in the hands of a sadistic foster parent, young Cupcake Brown learned to survive by turning tricks, downing hard liquor, and ingesting every drug she could find while hitchhiking up and down the California coast. She stumbled into gangbanging, drug dealing, hustling, prostitution, theft, and eventually the best scam of all: a series of 9-to-5 jobs."

Things I Love Right Now

Jason Schwartzman

Natalie Portman (obviously someone watched the Darjeeling Limited tonight)

beards

getting out of the house on Sundays to avoid football

using B/V and R/R to make a really deep brunette

sending postcards

receiving postcards

staying sober

Passion Pit

avoiding boys

the rain

bucket drumming

travel dreaming

hearing of how people met/fell in love

Should I?...

or shouldn't I? I'm really thinking about cutting my hair off! I've been growing it for about 3 years now and I think I'm over it. I don't do much with it. It's so thick and hot at work to where it dreads just after a 10 hour shift... I'm only damaging it from curling it every day and never cutting it with the obsession of making it longer, longer, LONGER! I've really turned into my own worst client. So here's what I'm thinking. Definitely not blonde, but would love to scatter some dimension on the top there to add more movement:

Should I? or shouldn't I?

Sleepy

Have you ever been sleepy but didn't want to sleep?

I don't want to go to that quiet place.

I don't want to think about all the things that I'll think of while trying to doze off.

I don't want to be in my uncomfortable bed, in my room, on 50th Ave, on the west coast. I want to be in Raleigh, in my sister's guest room bed, heck, I'll even take the couch, only if that means I'll get to see my nephew before his surgery in a few hours. It's 2:18 there and in less than 4 hours they'll be checking him in, filling out routine paper work, and getting him ready for his 11th surgery in 19 months. Sadly, this isn't AS big of a deal when he was first born and everything was so unknown, but it's still scary at sh*t. I still cry knowing that a team of surgeons and doctors and nurses will be touching and probing and watching stats of this 19 month old stranger (somewhat to some of them), and not realizing who he is to a lot of people. He's my heart and for the first time since I've moved, I've never felt more depressed than now that I'm not in NC. I'm completely heart broken that I'm not physically there to support him and my sister and my brother in law during this long and gut wrenching process of surgery.

So I reckon I'll dry those tears, pray as hard as I can, and think happy thoughts as much as possible until the world of sleep takes me under.

Aunt Bubbie loves you Ethan.

Happy Halloween

Personally it doesn't really feel much like Halloween. I guess it's because I don't have children to take trick-or-treating, and I'm not surrounded by my friends who are in love with dressing up and planning our costumes. I've never been a big Halloween fan anyhow, so this doesn't bother me too much. Weather wise, it does feel like fall, and like I've mentioned before, fall is my absolute favorite! Today I walked to the park, spread my towel out onto the wet grass, and laid down beneath the sun. Red, orange, and yellow leaves crunched underneath me, children laughed while swinging and sliding on the playground, and dogs greeted me with their wet noses and wagging tails. I laid out for about an hour and read my book and chatted with my daddy. I watched a mom and dad try to teach their little girl the simplicity of swinging. Who knew it was so complicated in a young child's mind? "Honey, extend your legs, OK now bend them! Yep, extend, bend, extend, bend, good job!" Meanwhile the girl was getting it all mixed up until she finally just kicked her legs back and forth until the swing slowed down so much and she needed a push. It's so funny how something like that is so simple, but we wouldn't know how to do it without the guidance of our parents. I'm sure in the end we could've figured it out on our own, but how much easier is it with mom and dad reminding you to "bend and extend"?

I have incredible parents. Everyone knows that, and everyone would agree with how amazing they are. Recently I had an old friend pop back into my life. He unfortunately wasn't blessed with parents like most of us are. Things haven't been so easy for him in life and he's made some really awful decisions which have led him to be where none of us want to end up. Now, I've always been the one to not have much pity on people when they say they're screwed up from coming from a broken home. I've always believed, and still do to a point, that you're an adult, you have the choice to better your life, but lately I've had the harsh realization that I'm a very fortunate person, unlike a lot of people I know. I see that pattern in my friends who come from abusive homes, whore moms, or extreme poverty, and most of the irrational behavior doesn't start when they're an "adult" and can make their life changing decisions. It starts when they're in their teens and think it's OK to behave the way they do, until they finally get caught, which tends to be when they're an adult. My friend, not knowing how he's affected me, was a very close friend when I was younger. I haven't seen him in years but have heard plenty of the rumors of what he's been up to. While most of them were true, his story, like everyone else's, has a reason. Now I'm not saying he can put the blame game on his poverty-stricken mom, who sometimes didn't have enough food to feed him and never attended PTA meetings or soccer games, or the fact that he'll never know his dad, just the men who came in and out of his life so often as a kid and never cared if he was around or not. BUT, when I place my feet in his shoes and replace that lifestyle with the one I had growing up that involved being told I was loved every day, and having parents involved with my school and personal life, I can't help but think I wouldn't have turned out as good as I did. I hate that people will always judge him as a criminal without knowing his background. Without knowing how sweet of a boy he was when I was 14 and he was 16, and how he's the boy that I will always remember as someone who impacted my life for the better.

Is it Valentine's Day yet??

I've been reading a book by Jonathan Safran Foer called "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and today while reading in Starbuck's (yes, I'm so addicted to reading during the day I have to go to a quiet place to read, and that's no longer the park due to the glorious NW weather) I came across a quote that sounded so familiar and made me double-take.

"She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary."

Hm.

I so often feel as though I have a lot to think about people in certain relationships. I'm in a time in my life where things have been easier to accept, I now realize when something is just flat out a bad idea, and I've also started to learn how to just put it out there. No more beating around the bush. No more worrying myself, and my friends about certain situations. Nope. Just ask what you want to know, tell what you want to get out of your heart, and speak honestly. And if that's not accepted by a certain person, then oh well! You tried and you deserve better anyhow.

I'm a big believer in signs, and I feel like since I've moved here my energy has been outstanding, and my confidence is doing pretty well. But I'm starting to wonder if these signs and happenings are just distracting me. I had my heart set on one matter, and instead the universe tossed me around and made me look here, and think about this thing over there, and once my head gets back where I started, I have a whole new view, and it ain't so pretty. This has caused upset, followed by denial, followed by bitterness, and lastly, acceptance. I accept that I don't understand why this person is with that person, or why people fall out of love, or even why the divorce rate is so (sadly) high. It does get discouraging, but what I saw tonight will make this girl fall in love with anyone who tried.

I went to this beautiful place called the Kennedy School. It's about 17 blocks away from my house so after work I walked over and enjoyed a couple of Ruby's while jammin' out to the Pagan Jug Band. I felt right at home with the banjo, harmonica, guitar, stand up bass, and a washboard! This is what I needed in a time of frustration and loneliness. Music will lift my soul no matter how heavy. Then I start to notice this couple up front.. WOW. Talk about love. I have no idea who these people are, what they do, where they're from, or how much crap they've had to go through to get where they are today, but I looked up to them instantly. They had to be in their late 70s, fragile looking and sweet as can be, but they were tearing up the dance floor! They twirled and came back into eachother's arms and off she was again spinning off across the floor. A couple of songs later another elderly gentleman came to cut in, and the husband allowed him and took a seat. The lady twirled and danced with him until finally the band was taking a break. I couldn't take my eyes off of any of them. It was so genuine, so innocent, so fun.

It reminded me that no matter how frustrating things get, and no matter how many boys make you want to cry (or punch them), and no matter if you don't have any money until pay day, you'll make it through. Things will get better, and enjoy it and take your time, but always look forward to the future because one of these days you'll be twirling around on the dance floor on a Thursday night in your 70's listening to bluegrass and having men begging to dance with you.

It's good to be loved

As I looked up a definition for the word "love", I realized someone else can't tell you what love is. They can tell you how they would define it, or describe it, but to actually feel it, it's completely different person to person. I'm not talking about "let's get married" kind of love. I'm talking about having friends and family make you feel like a million bucks kind of love. I've done little to my room, but what I do have are pictures of friends, family, and happenings all over to remind me of who I am, and where I come from. I come from this incredible family. Strong, supportive parents who would do anything to protect me, and who have expressed how proud they are of me. This fabulous sister who I have always, and will always look up to and be proud of. She has extended a limb of our family tree to the perfect brother in-law a girl could ask for, and a nephew, well, I'm sure y'all don't even want to get me on the "how proud am I of that little guy?" kick. Although later in this post I will, of course. And even farther back I have this beautiful, yet pretty crazy, and extremely, not normal sized extended family. We all came from this beautiful, petite lady named Bernice, and a large and in charge man named Ralph. My whole family is proud to have Harrelson blood and couldn't imagine it being any smaller than the 130ish decendents of my grandma and grandpa. I realized that wasn't a normal size family when I was, sadly, around 20 years old. "Sooo, normally people know all of their cousins names??? That's just crazy talk!"

This morning the first picture I looked at on my side table was the one looking back at me. My daddy and I at my Chuck E Cheese birthday party when I was maybe 5? It's funny how even though those weren't the easiest times in our life, my parents still managed to have a party at what I'm sure wasn't the cheapest venue in town. That picture of my dad with his luscious, thick, black hair sitting with me and my thin, curly, blonde hair seems so familiar. I'm pretty sure he still looks at me the same way, in that "I'll do anything to make you happy, princess". The fact that my parents still somehow pull surprises just to make me smile lights up my life. I've been expecting a package from one of the best women on the Earth, Nancy. When the mailman drove past today I ran out to the box to see what he left for me. What I found almost knocked me over and filled my little eyeballs with moisture. My mama had sent an entire box of homemade butters and jams and jellies. When I was home, something I definitely took for granted was her apple butter. For the past two months I've been very careful not to over eat it, because it doesn't just grow on trees in my house anymore! But NOW I'm set for a few more months! Also, I was just grabbing Halloween cards to send out yesterday and as I grabbed one for my parents I was informing my roommate how my mama hates halloween, so why NOT send her a card?! Well, in this package, my fabulous mother made me a halloween card! Pretty sweet, huh?? Also in my mail box was ANOTHER surprise! From sweet, sweet Claire. Claire is a perfect example of "client who became a friend I couldn't imagine living without". She's so sweet, and gorgeous, and has a beautiful little family! She sent me some much appreciated goodies that lit up my day!

It's an amazing feeling when you feel loved. So often we (OK, mainly myself) puts so much emphasis on finding that one special partner in your life who loves and cherises you and you can't imagine life without. But when you've been touched like I have today, by multiple people, that search for that one person becomes a little less important. I never want to take these amazing people for granted.

Also, have I ever told y'all how much I love fall?? I love walking down the street and feeling the leaves crunch under my boots while drinking a hot chai latte. I love wearing scarves. I love grabbing a blanket while on the couch and snuggling up. I love watching fall/halloween movies, or seeing a little soccer team of zombies walk past me at the bus stop (10 days before halloween..). The rain isn't too bad either. It has made me a little lazy (hince not going hiking this evening), but what's wrong with taking it slow every now and then??

Lastly, how awesome is my nephew? I don't know if you have a nephew, but this little boy is incredible. His Aunt Bubbie sent him some goodies today, and sometimes I can't wait until he gets a little older and understands and appreciates what's happening! I defintely don't want him to grow up too fast, and I wish he would still be a cuddling little baby boy when I get  home in a few months to see him, but as I send him things I think "does he even realize where this is coming from, or why he's receiving it??" Probably not, but oh well! He definitely deserves it. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers coming up soon. He's having some weight issues and concerns, so tomorrow he's getting some test done and weighing in. And also on November 2nd he's undergoing a special surgery, so he'll need lots of kissies to make him feel better! I know one day Ethan will discover that I, and hundreds of other people, have a love for him that is completely unexplainable, but undeniable.

Ahhh...

I love music. You don't have to know me very well to know that I worship music. Depending on the day, or time of day, or situation, I carefully scan through my iTunes or iPod and pick out only the perfect and well-deserved songs for that moment. Tonight I'm listening to Joe Purdy. Megan told me to cut it out until the sad NW fall and winter are over, but he's perfect for the past 36 hours I've had!

Work has been wearing on me lately. Not physically, but mentally. I had such a fabulous clientele back home in Wilmington. It took me 3 years to get there, but I miss them terribly. Starting a new job is hard enough, but it gets a little trickier when you have to start all over with a new clientele and gain their trust. You're really starting from scratch. I've had some discouraging situations happen lately where I question whether or not I'm fit to deal with people who are so locked in on their looks and perfection. I'm the girl who doesn't own a hair brush, or a flat iron. And I haven't cut or colored my hair in months, but I still make do and I think it still looks OK. But dang, some people think it's the end of the world if they don't look like Jennifer Aniston or Drew Barrymore on their first visit. I understand hair is VERY important. Most of us have it, and it is one of the first things you notice on someone. But I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to let you walk around with your hair whacked out, or unfinished, so just trust me, and leave it to the professionals. You're in my chair because you don't know how to do this yourself.
(side note: DON'T USE BOX COLOR)
So after having some discouraging moments, and a walk to the bus stop filled with homeless people begging me for money after I worked hard all day for my own, I was a little sensitive last night when my roommate asked about my night. Poor boy. The bottom lip started quivering and off I run up the stairs, ashamed of my tears. Honestly half way through my cry fest 2010 I realized I wasn't really sure of why I was crying. I think it was just frustration finally escaping through my bright green eyeballs. After a nice hot shower I went back down to explain myself, and after fighting back more tears, all I had to say in response to "What's going on? What's wrong?" is "People are stupid."
How old am I again?
How do I not know this by now?

Maybe it was sleep deprivation from the night before, but I definitely caught up on it after ending a very frustrating and mentally challenging day at 9:30 pm. This morning I woke up bright and early, although still dark out at 7 am. Dabbed on a little extra under eye concealer, faced the day and hopped on the bus towards breakfast. By now the sun was shining, and yes Bob Marley, the weather WAS sweet! I had the most delicious chai latte while waiting for my breakfast-in-crime partner. We headed over to Pine State Biscuits, again, because it's the most amazing biscuits and gravy ever (and we all know biscuits and gravy heals the soul). Afterwards, we went to Powell's Bookstore. HUGE bookstore downtown, and throughout Portland, that has an amazing selection of books, new and used. I headed back to SE to be close to work once 3 pm came around and enjoyed my new book in a park a few blocks away. I felt the cool earth below me and the warm sun on my skin. I watched the blades of grass dance in harmony with the leaves on the tree as the wind blew. I heard laughter, mainly children's from the playground a few yards behind me. I watched a dad play football with his son and daughter. I wondered if she was as much of a daddy's girl as I am. I wondered if she's as spoiled as I have always been by my daddy and if one day, when she's all grown up, if all she craves after a bad night at work is her daddy's hug and him reminding her that everything will work out. And him being the only person you believe when you hear it. I also had nice long conversations with my sister and my mama, and chatted with a couple fabulous friends back home. After this kind of morning I could take on anything! Unfortunately the evening at work wasn't too productive, but safe. I'm just terrified of my job becoming a job, and no longer a passion, or a chance to express myself and my creativity.

I checked my mail tonight and found a postcard from SOUTHPORT! I miss my Nancy an as always, I am so thankful of her thoughtfulness. It was informing me to look for a package this weekend. The thought of it is rocking my world! It could be a box of Styrofoam peanuts and I wouldn't care. The thought that someone thought of me and took time to send me a little something something warms my heart and makes me smile.

Right now I've got Christmas lights illuminating my room, Joe Purdy singing "Sinkin' Low" quietly, and the howl of a train miles away. I have food in my belly and a job to go to tomorrow. I have friends and family who care for me and love me and miss me. And I miss them equally. I have plans with my great friends out here for the weekend, a kitty warming my feet and updated pictures to scan through of my nephew on Flickr.

Life is good.

Things are greeeaaat!

So I realized I haven't updated lately so here we go. I thought a rainy Sunday would be the perfect opportunity!

Things are going VERY well here in Portland! Yes, I still miss home like mad, and it did start raining, and I am struggling financially, but what's new?? My new way of living is to just keep breathing, living, and loving. I can't help but think of how much of a whiny baby I am at times. I'm upset here and there because I can't afford a new bed, or I can't get that new iPod I want. Then, after a few hours of pouting and thinking it's so hard, I think of how ridiculous I'm being. I have a nice warm roof over my head protecting me from this beautiful, fragrant rain. I have a bed with sheets and pillows and blankets and a kitty foot warmer to keep me somewhat comfortable at night, but most of all protected. I have a job that pays me money to pay my bills, afford the bus rides, and put food in my tummy. And it doesn't hurt I actually enjoy my job and (most of) my clients. I'm doing what I love to do and I have the freedom to choose to do what it is I want to do and where I want to do it. I hear so many people complaining about this aspect of their job, or that person, so quit. If life is so much better away from a certain job, or relationship, or even place of living, get OUT! It won't only make your life better, but the people around you will enjoy your company much better. Oh, and I have a ton of fabulous people in my life, more about that later...

Last week my best friend of 21 years came in to town. Sure, so we were 3 when we met and probably didn't realize we were friends back then, but how couldn't we?? She's 2 days older than me and although we are very similar and have a lot of Aquarius tendencies, we still have enough differences to make us love each other even more! Megan was only here from Monday evening until Wednesday but we definitely had a good time and jammed it pack with fun! She helped me discover a lot of places and things around Portland that I've never seen. We spent a lot of time shopping and eating, and I don't know what could've been better.
Just as my last visitor, the anticipation of my next visitor is driving me insane. She just booked her flight today, but on December 11 (2 months from tomorrow) my SISTER will be in town!!! There's a bond between sisters that's unexplainable. Although from one of her past blogs where she talked about how we didn't always get along so well, I honestly don't remember any of that crazy talk! Growing up I wanted to be just like my sister, and still do. She's the first one I call with any drama and gossip. She's the first one I call when I need to hear a friendly voice to make me feel less homesick. She's the first one I call when I need to be uplifted. She's my everything and I feel so sad for people who don't have sisters, or even better, a sister like mine. Her son probably bonded us even closer if that was possible, and I have SO much respect for her. I love her with all my heart and I always know I can show her 100% of my true self. Even the not so pretty side... So yep, she'll be here from Saturday to Tuesday a couple of weeks before Christmas! This will definitely make Christmas away from home a tad easier. A girl couldn't be any more excited!

I've learned a lot of things about myself, which is making it easier to correct the things I don't care for. Instead of ripping my heart wide open for all to see on the computer screen, I'll keep these things to myself and my dearest friends, but I am very proud that I've learned how to cope with certain problems and feelings and desires. There's a whole lot that needs fixing, but time will take care of most problems and concerns.

On a sour note, I think I've finally realized how I truly feel on relationships. And I'm not 100% positive this is how I really feel, but it is evolving and changing me for certain. I've pretty much always been in a relationship since I was 14. When I fall, I fall hard. I have a big heart, yes we all know this, but most of the time it's wasted on the wrong person, for the wrong reasons. I've always said my one biggest fear is loneliness. It's true, and it still somewhat is, but I've learned what loneliness really is. The worst type of loneliness is being with someone, or giving your all to someone, who doesn't return the passion. I use to think it was the saddest and lamest thing in the world to sit home alone on a Friday or Saturday night. Or to not be able to just get on the phone and have someone at your door instantly. But man was I wrong. As I watch other couples, or just people in general, it's like I get a completely different view of myself. I'm that girl that's giving giving giving to the wrong person who doesn't appreciate me at all, while ignoring someone, or something, who's trying to give me exactly what I need and expect in return. This could be in a romantic relationship, or friendships, or even a job aspect. I unfortunately have suffered in all three. I think the saddest part is that even after I realize what I'm doing wrong, I still hang in there, for the fact of wanting to be wanted by who I want to be wanted by. Last night, on a Saturday night, I got off work from an mind-draining day, slipped into my jammies, ate pizza, watched football with my roommate, and snuck off to bed around 10 pm. Any other night this would've bothered me, I would've probably whined to my friends and expected a pity party, but I told myself to get over it, there's nothing wrong with you and get some dang sleep finally! It felt amazing to get a full night's sleep, only to wake up in time for breakfast with a new friend! At a southern restaurant! With sweet tea and biscuits! If you haven't noticed, Portland has a lot of amazing food. We like to eat, a lot. Not in an indulging kind of way, but an appreciating kind of way.
A wonderful friend back home informed me when I was moving across the country that her brother lives in Portland. I had no idea and the thought kind of blew my mind! After two months of living here and realizing I'm finally settled in, I e-mailed him to ask him to breakfast. This morning we met at the fabulous NC native owned restaurant to enjoy delicious biscuits and refreshing sweet tea. (Still not the same as mama's, but close.) I can't even explain how great it was to meet someone who seems so familiar and like we've known each other our whole lives. We're from the same town and both lived there all our lives. Just a friendly reminder of how small this place we call Earth really is. Great conversations and delicious food is the combination of a perfect Sunday morning.

Today Kelly and I are headed around town to spend time together. Speaking of people I love, this girl, yep, she's my rock! I've learned to just take her advice. No matter how brutally honest is is and how much it sucks following it, she always knows what's best. How? Because 3 years ago I still recall a situation where if I would've followed her advice, I would've saved a lot of heartache and anger. I love spending time with her, and all my other friends out here as well, but we just have that bond and understanding that every pair of girls need!

So there it is! I'm happy, things are going grrreeeat (in my Tony the Tiger voice), and I can't wait to see everyone in March! Only 5 more months, y'all!

Things I Could Go For..

Britt's Doughnut

Sweet Tea

Waffle Fries from Chick-Fil-A

Chicken Minis from Chick-Fil-A (ok, seriously, anything from CFA)

A girl's night out. With only girls.

The sound of the waves crashing.

A cookie covered kiss from my nephew.

A pack of cookies.

Sleep.

Happy Birthday!

Have you ever had that person who always pushed you to give it your all, but not in the annoying, gonna feel like a failure if you mess up, kind of way. In a way where when you lose one of your many soccer games you hear "Did you win?" "Nope" "Did you have fun?" "Yes! Let me tell you about it...." and him saying "Well that's all that matters! and then pretending like he's listening for the next couple hours about a silly middle school soccer game. He's the man who calls my cell phone, still to this day, and sings "I just called to say I love you", and not the short version... He's the daddy everyone hugs when they see him and asks how Mr. Davis, Ken, Dale, or Uncle Joe is doing when they haven't seen him lately.

And he's all MINE! (well, with the exception of sharing him with my sister)

I couldn't have asked for a better daddy. I personally don't remember any times where I was so angry at him I could run away. Probably because my sister and I were genuine daddy's girls. He's always treated us like princesses and still does. He'll always know when you're lying, so don't even try to say you were home late because of the bridge being up. The worst thing he ever said to me, the one time in my life when I was 13 and just WISHED he would beat the crap out of me instead of the response I did receive was,

"I'm not angry, just disappointed."

And that was the first time I've ever seen my daddy, a 57 year old (at the time) man, cry. I promised myself, from that day on, that I would never do anything ever again to cause my daddy to cry. This caused me to make much better choices in my life than some old friends or schoolmates who completely ruined their lives, and broke their family's hearts.
The only reason I never went through with moving to Oregon, well, until August, was because of him. I didn't want to break his heart. He was the first person I talked to about it. I wanted to see his initial response, and base my move on that. I don't know if he was just trying to look really strong, or if he was really OK with the idea, but he told me "I'm going to be sad to know you're not here every night (pause), but I'm already sad knowing you are here and not happy with your life, so I rather you go and try to find happiness". And that was this move's theme. Find happiness. I think it found me. It fills my soul and comes out my lips with laughter! I still miss my daddy, mama, and the tri-mulli crew like mad, but nothing a little phone call can't cure!

My daddy turned 68 today. He pretends he doesn't like a big whoo-haaa for his birthday, but who doesn't?? I set my alarm and called him early to sing Happy Birthday in my sleepy voice and ask about his day. He informed me that he got a rich, delicious chocolate cake in the shape of a heart from the equally fabulous person on this planet. He said the type of thing that I somewhat expected to hear, but still means a lot to me to this day, especially with his heart/health history.

"I'm just so blessed to have made it another year."

We all get so wrapped up what you got and where you're going and what you're doing for our birthday celebrations, but forget what it really means. We freakin' made it to another one! Live life and appreciate it because we never know what we'll make it to.

Happy Birthday, Daddy! Enjoy your cake!

Sad Eyes

Today I woke up on the couch after a fun, relaxing, easy going Friday night. My phone laid beside me lifeless, not even able to turn on. I plugged it in, ran downstairs, and harassed my roommate about what's for breakfast. After convincing him to get up and lets get biscuits and gravy (preferably somewhere that serves sweet tea), I took my time preparing for the day as easy as it came. Once my phone got a little juice to it, I turned it on, only to receive the types of messages you don't want to receive from the family you adore 3,000 miles away. One voicemail. One text message. "Did you get my voicemail? Call me as soon as you can". For  y'all who know me best, I never listen to my voicemail. This sounded like I should check it to maybe get prepared for the worst. Sobbing. "It's not Ethan." I didn't hear much after that.

I can't help but hate the fact that I haven't seen him in the past couple years. I use to look to this boy as if he was my parents' son. He came around for holidays, my parents thought the world of him. He thought the world of my sister. I would always get so pumped when he was on his way over. He treated me like a little sister when he was around. He would tell me that I could date a certain boy, or that I should stay away from certain boys. Really wish I would've listened to him on more than one occasion...

My heart aches and my eyes are as heavy as my heart and sad. I hurt for his parents, I hurt for his little sister who is only a year younger than me. For a second tonight on my late night bike ride I thought of her and what it would be like to be in her shoes. I collapsed even thinking of it. Her only sibling, physically gone forever. I hurt for everyone who's lives he's touched. I hurt everytime I see someone's facebook response who says "He was such a great guy" I'm so sick of seeing "great guy" Michael was so much more than that. I always looked up to him the way I'm sure his little sister looks to him. The way you can look past someone's problems and flaws and see their heart and love bursting out of them. The fact that I, or anyone else, could've probably still called him, even if it's been years since I've last seen him, and ask him to do a favor, and he would be there. No questions asked.

I hate that he'll never see 30. I hate that I'll never look twice when I see a truck like his to see if it's him. I hate that he never moved to Raleigh. He never got to where he wanted to be.

I hurt most of all for my sister. He worshipped my sister. They grew their different ways after highschool, but I know she always holds a special place in his heart. I want to be home to hug my sister. The phone just isn't the same. I want to sit on the couch with her and rub her scalp and just give her the company and shoulder to lean on. Physically. We would probably spend the day laughing at memories of Michael.

It doesn't seem real. Since I'm not there I can't feel the heartache next to me. I can't see the tears, I don't hear everyone talking about it. I don't feel as though it's true. It can't be, can it? We can't ignore it anymore. Please don't drink and drive. It's stupid. You can not only kill people, but rip the hearts out of everyone who loves you. It's not worth it. Please call me if you need cab money. I don't have a lot of money but I'll find it for you if it means saving your life, and not breaking my heart. I use to get so irritated when my mom, dad, or sister would find out I had a drink and would drive home. Now I know why. It 'effing sucks to know it could've been so easily prevented.

Rest in peace, Michael. I love you and I still don't really believe it's true. Maybe once my eyes dry I'll see the truth.

Burnin' Down The House

No, I didn't set my new house on fire.
I'm home alone this whole weekend. Empty house. Just me and a half eaten pizza. I've dedicated this weekend to cleaning and organizing and getting stuff done without the tv distracting me, or a book for that matter. I just finished "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey and it consumed me every second of the day, unless my hands were in someone's hair, or feeding my mouth, or taking a shower. So tonight after work I pulled out they Lysol, the broom and dust pan, clean sheets and towels, and the furniture polish. I turned up Mason Jennings on my lap top and turned on only the lights of which room I was cleaning. I started on the top of the house and worked my way down the hall, through the bathroom, down the stairs, and around the loop of this circle house. In my room, there were still 4 large boxes from where I shipped my stuff over here from North Carolina. They just kind of collected old bus tickets, water bottles, credit card statements, etc. I decided it was time to gain the floor to my bedroom and get rid of these boxes. After sorting the recycling vs. the trash, I was curious on what to do with these gigantic boxes? I gazed out the kitchen window, saw the fire pit, and had a fabulous idea.

I didn't realize how much of a sentimental event this would become. As the fire got stronger, I would place a box on the fire and watch it melt away. Goodbye box. The first two were easy to watch burn away. The third box, however, turned from a box burning in a fire pit, to my box, the box which held only my prized possessions-photo frames of my friends and family, clothes, important documents-for a couple weeks. I started noticing the fire's beautiful orange and yellow flames dancing in the cool wind. I followed the ashes intertwine with smoke high above the tallest pines. While I followed the smoke and ashes that high above, I noticed the stars glistening. The snaps and crackles flooded my ears, as did Mason Jennings from the living room of the house. I turned back to the box to see that the flame had lessened and the box was no longer a box, but just a pile of red and orange ashes. I proceeded to place the fourth, and last, box on the small flames. It was engulfed immediately and the flames grew again and history repeated itself. The ashes danced in the starlight with the billowing smoke, and floated back to the ground, like a scene from Edward Scissorhands. I looked back at the box, and the tape which once held my precious belongings safely in this box, was curling away and melting from the heat. I watched it curl across the top of box and followed it to what almost broke my heart.

Written in a turquoise Crayola marker, courtesy of the lady at the Delco Post Office, in the top left corner of this box, was J. Davis, followed by my Riegelwood address. My eyes harassed the melting tape down further until I get to the "To" address. This is my address. This is my new address. This is the box that once took so much of my time and attention to make sure it was only packed with necessities and love. This was my box that held my possessions. This was the box that drove and flew across the country to get to this address. I'm the girl that did the same as this box, and ended up at the same place. I'm the girl that's clear across the country from her mama and daddy, her sister and nephew and brother in law, her best of friends. This box just melted in front of my eyes.

Right now the box no longer exists, physically. That box will never hold my things again. It will never make them feel secure. And it will never go back to Breezy Acres Dr.

Me and this box isn't as much alike as I thought we were.

Girl Night

Both my roommates are out of town for the evening and I unlocked the door to a very dark, large, cold and empty house. Today was cold and rainy here in Portland, and it seemed to slow down business. That and everyone on their last minute vacations before school starts back next Tuesday. I was only 40% booked for my 10 hour shift, but by the time I got off work, my sniffly nose and scratchy eyes decided to head to the grocery store for some cookies, frozen pizzas, and finally a dang lighter to light these awesome scented candles! Finally I made it home, and realized, although my roommates and I don't spend every second together when we are all home, it's nice knowing they're here. I guess I feel a bit protected when my two men are around. But, I lit a fresh scented candle, popped my pizza in the microwave, grabbed a box of cookies, and sunk into the couch. The only sound is the buzzing from all the electronics. Then I proceeded to grab my tweezers to pluck all the hair splinters out from my feet. SICK.

I had all four clients today ask me if I was finding it easy to make friends, and what I was doing to meet people. I responded with "well, I'm looking to join some groups, and get back into yoga regularly, maybe take some baking classes". But then I realized, that besides trying to make clients to boost my income, I think I'm very OK with the idea that, "hey, I just moved here FOUR weeks today! who has time for all that?? Especially without a car." It's a constant battle with myself, I know I'm just making excuses. Sure, I do want to do all those things, but it seems the best candidate for a "group" is a stay at home mom. Craigslist is FLOODED with "Play Date for my 18 month girl!" and "Mommies only group!" There was even one that said "No children necessary to join our group, but must be over 26 and submit a photo". Really??

I'm very much looking forward to getting back into my yoga routine. I found a hot yoga studio down the street from my job. It will feel amazing and rewarding in this cool weather. I just feel bad for whoever has to sit next to me on the bus... I was looking into gym memberships last night, but I think I rather spend my $100 a month detoxing and sweating it out, while relaxing in hot yoga. Much better than going to a gym by yourself and feeling like you're being watched and judged. And I much rather make friends with yogis than jocks.

Just found out today that since it's the Decade of Dosha, we're having a dinner/party with ALL the Doshas (about 300 employees) on September 15 after work. Even though a few co-workers don't seem that excited, I'm secretly PUMPED! I get to get all dressed up and socialize with my Aveda family! Kind of ironic how it falls on my only girlfriend in Portland's birthday... But we'll have plenty of celebration time! I'm also pretty excited on the large amount of bands/comedy who will be coming through town soon: The Black Keys, She and Him, Trailer Park Boys, Avett Bros (were here last night), Vampire Weekend, Adam Carolla, of course the Decemberists, and Daniel Tosh (Tosh.0) I believe I'm going to go broke with all of these amazing events, but hey, why not?!

Still Discovering...

My closest friend (and now literally), Megan, gave me two very honest tips when she found out I was also moving all the way across the country:

1- "It's not always going to be rainbows and butterflies." Referring to my very positive attitude and excitement to move far, far away.

2- "You'll discover so much about yourself, and not all of it you'll like."

Now don't get me wrong, I know some of those tips can sound discouraging, but Megan's very far from discouraging. (I'm pretty sure she was encouraging me the most so that her friend of 21 years would be in the same time zone with her again!) The truth is, she knows me and my personality (we're born 2 days apart) pretty much better than anyone else. Actually, I think I could very much say she DOES know me better than anyone else. Without her and her amazing support, I probably couldn't have made it all the way here with a head left on my shoulders. But those are definitely the two of many tips that stand very clear in my mind.

Especially this past week.

It hasn't rained the whole time I've been here. I'm going right on to 4 weeks now, and it's been sunny skies and high 70's. The temperature started dropping the other day and I instantly froze. Not literally, but my mind did. "What is this sunshine girl doing in this overcast city??" That's usually when my little mind, given any free time, will drift on over to NC and wonder what I would be doing over there, with the warm weather and family and friends. My daddy just found a puppy and I was jealous I couldn't even go out to Petsmart and bring home tons of little toys for it to destroy. Shoot, I can't even go to Petsmart here and mail them to him because I have NO idea where it is, and getting there would probably drain my brain, and when you have to go through so much just to get to a freakin' store, you learn what's necessary and what's not! (More on that later) Then, on Saturday, I didn't have to be at work until 3, so I get a call asking if I want to get on Skype with my mama. OF COURSE! So we set it up and there's my adorable little mama. We talked about her new outfit, she lectured me on why my face is breaking out... Pretty much nothing has changed in the past month, except the fact I have to see her on a computer screen. I can't crawl into her lap and cry when I'm upset. I can't hug her when I get home from work. I can't give my daddy a goodnight kiss every night. And that makes me very, very sad. The reason my mama was at my sister's house on the computer is because (well, besides the fact she's burning up the road in my new car!) my brother in law, Jeramie, turned 30 and they were having a family gathering on Saturday. Boo. I'm so happy they got to celebrate such a wonderful occasion, and I'm so happy my mama was available to be there physically and love on Ethan, and Jeramie and Joye, but dangit, I want to go, too! I realize it was I who made the decision to move 3000 miles away, and as I had been contemplating it for years and years, this was always my reason of why not to move. I don't regret it by any means, but at times I wish it was just easier to run home for a weekend.

But, there are good times here too! Last night Jackson and I went to a Portland Timbers game. This is a soccer team in Portland that will be a pro team next year. Now there's a lot of bitter people talking about the Timbers. They say they're running the Portland Beavers (baseball) out of town, taking over their field. Well, from what I hear, the crowds at the Beavers games are NOTHING like what I experienced last night. It was amazing. We sat in section 108, and I reckon 107 is the crazy Timbers fans, so we were in the over flow. But what I find pretty interesting is for every person who's bitter because the Beavers are going to be no more, I ask "So, do you go to the Beaver's games often?" "Well, no, I never really have time.." OK, so now do we see what's happening? That's like complaining about gas prices and not having a car. Let's support the team who brings in all the money. And trust me, there was some money being spent there! Two tickets, after Ticketmaster fees- $32, two beers- $16, two more beers and an order of french fries- $21. Dang, I could've had a couple of Grand Slams from Denny's for that! (I tried, but my driver would'nt stop after the game...)

Now for my discoveries...

I have realized I'm a carnivore. ::GASP:: I know this is going to throw some of you for a loop, but I really have no option. I live with a boy that will cook, I am NOT going to be choosy when I get the chance to have someone cook for me! And I'm OK with it. I went so many years not eating any kind of meat, and then slowly turning to the poultry side, but dang, bacon is so good!

I love not to drive. I always thought I loved to drive and never minded being the driver, but then I dumped the loser boyfriend who had a million DUI's and sat back and enjoyed the ride! I take the bus and train all over, and it's very simple with m.trimet.org. And when we're going out somewhere, my roommates drive. And I'm pretty lucky because they all drive sticks, so if I were needed to drive, I still can't! I haven't been behind the wheel of a car in a month, and it's pretty much amazing. It also saves a TON of money. No gas (it's $3.15/gal here) and you really have to think and realize how important the things are that you need to go to Target for. You have to map out your ride, find $2 for the bus, try to make it back within two hours so you don't have to buy another ticket. So yeah, if you need a pair of tweezers to clean up your hairy eyebrows, they may just wait a couple more days until you can get a ride!

I like crowds. I never thought I liked being in the middle of crowds, or squished between people, but here I don't mind it. I've been given a fresh start and a clean slate. I only know about 8 people in this WHOLE city, all the other hundreds of thousand people don't know me. I don't stand out, I'm not being judged. Why not get in the middle of that crowd and cheer on the winning team and act like a fool??

I love mornings. The boys in the house are usually asleep until later, or not here. Back home I use to sleep until I absolutely had to get up and rush out the door to work. Now I get up early, without an alarm, eat my cereal (if I have milk), and catch up on the computer, or watch some TV. I just take my time to do things now. It's easy livin' I guess you could say!

I'm pretty sure all these discoveries are linked to each other, which in time will make me a better person. I do feel better about myself, and my healthier lifestyle, and I'm having a great time, even with the homesick-ness!

Brain Throw-Up

Culture- the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc.

Today we're heading to the Portland Art Museum! This is something I've looked forward to from the time I had planned my visit out west.

Check it out for yourself!

R. Crumb has an exhibit on the book of Genesis and I've been dying to check it out. He's an interesting cat, and can be somewhat perverted in his twisted ways. In an interview, when asked about the serious approach he took to the book he responded, "the text itself is so lurid and barbaric, you don't have to alter the text, you can just illustrate as accurately as possible the text as it's written." Later he adds, "a lot of the Crumb fans were very disappointed because it wasn't this outrageous takeoff. I had no idea how they would take it. And you know, people ask me if there's been a lot of hostile reactions from religious people and I really haven't gotten much of that." So, it's Sunday, let's go look at the Bible in an art form!

Work has kicked my butt, in a good way! I didn't realize this is how busy a hair stylist should be. I'm glad I'm learning at such a young age, and not settling for less. My co-workers are very friendly and helpful. They make me feel right at home! And everyone definitely has a twin from Wilmington. I have the next couple days off, and as much as I would like to just rest the days away, summer is coming to an end soon and I've been told repeatedly that I should take advantage of these beautiful days. It's only been hovering around the 70's throughout the days, and sun-shiny! My ideal weather.

Music has been my drug lately. I almost panicked when my iPod died on my walk home last night! I've found a lot of salvation in the Avett Bros (back to them in a second), Joe Purdy, Notorious BIG, ALO, Rogue Wave, Pinback, Velvet Underground, Paul Simon, Sam Bush, Modest Mouse, and the Decemberists (both Portland natives!) I got a little home sick last night. I was outstretched on the couch in my jammies at 9:30, nerd glasses attached, reading a comic book and drinking a Molson Canadian, while my roommate was playing video games til his eyes bled (not really, just a saying I love from Charlie on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"), when I turned on Facebook and saw pictures filling my page with the Avett Brothers in Myrtle Beach! I temporarily got sad with the idea that I didn't get to go this year, even though last year, thanks to my bestie Megan, I made it. Still, it reminded me how I miss my NC bluegrass. Now I know all of  y'all are thinking "WHAT? You're going to have a ton of awesome bands come through Portland!", but, it's not only the music I need, but the good company.

My stomach ached with pain as I sent Cortney her nightly "i miss you" text after work. I longed for being able to call her up after work, meet up with each other, drive around aimlessly drinking Mocha Shakes (don't even get me started on those..) listening to the old school Nelly, or possibly Jay-Z Cd's, and laughing 'til we throw up. Yep. Those were the good Saturday nights! Just the idea of it being physically impossible hurts. I know it'll slowly stop hurting one of these days. Also, last night I realized how weird New Years Eve will be this year. While y'all are celebrating back home, it'll be 9 o'clock here. I'll probably just be walking in from work, depending on what night it is. That just seems weird. Watching Sleepless in Seattle last night reminded me of that fact.

So I know I use this song often, but it's my favorite. I recommend checking it out on iTunes.

"Some movie star told you this ain't where it's at.
So you packed your bags and one night you headed out.
Said, these small town blues got you going insane
gone into the city, gonna change your name.
And you never look back at where you came
swore you'll never be the same.
Do you miss me?
You're a big girl now, got your big shoes
and you're running around with big girl blues.
And I know you don't doubt yourself anymore
no, when you feel like leaving, walk out the door.
And I bet you ain't got nothin left to learn,
it's better that way cause you never get burned.
And you try not to think about what might have been
cause you know this town is just sink or swim.
Do you miss me?
Well the last time I say you were waving goodbye
from the back of the train with a tear in your eye.
Now I hear you're in love with some big city man
and together you're making your big city plans
and you hope he don't find out about who you are
that we used to catch fireflies in mason jars
and we used to go down to the county fair
and we listened to blue grass in summer air
and we danced all night as the rain came down
and you held my hand as we slept on the ground
and we wrote our names in the old oak wood
I guess some things don't work out like they should.
Do you miss me?"

Miss me. Joe Purdy.

I miss y'all and love y'all very much

Might As Well Get Comfy!

FINALLY made it to Target today to get some things to make my room feel more like a room, and less like a tent. I couldn't get some of the things I really wanted to pick up because I had to take a bus and train to get there..but one day. There's still so much I want to do with it (like get a bed), but, those things will also come soon! I thought I'd share some pictures due to everyone asking to see it. I have two regular closets on each side of my door to the hall, and then three smaller doors for more storage. My roommate's grandfather built this house and did an awesome job at using dead space for storage! I have a fabulous balcony off my room which is crying out HAMMOCK! or maybe a little bistro set? We'll have to see! I was going to make it into a little yoga studio for "yoga under the stars", but we all know a hammock would get used MUCH more use than yoga!

Desk with TV and pictures

Pick a door

Balcony

Futon/Bed. The iron makes me look domesticated.

Door going to the balcony. New wrinkled curtains.

Oh, and I invested in "black-out" curtains today. Totally in love. It's been hot up here for the past couple days and my room faces the east so there's a lot of sunshine coming through these windows. I love some sunshine, but not at 7 am. I highly recommend these, AND they're on sale at Target.
Tomorrow's my first day of work and I can't wait! I've already got my bags packed and ready to go. Wish me luck!